The 2009 GEMS NEWTON CUP Matches - Rules & Regulations

IOC announce major sponsor of Vancouver 2010 - Article by Loren Brown

May 21, 2009 - (CP) - International Olympic Committee President Jacques Rogge has announced the the next major anchor sponsor for next year's 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver. The coveted and highly anticipated "Golf tournament sponsor" of Canada's 3rd Olympic games, has been awarded to the Gems Newton Cup, annually held in Radium, BC. Rogge was on hand with GNC organizer and co-founder Jamie Newton at Nestle headquarters in the small Swiss town of Vevey yesterday to reveal the announcement.

A beaming Newton said, "'Faster, Higher, Stronger', that's the credo of the Olympics, and that matches up perfectly with the philosophy the GNC has been built around over the years. We believe there's strong synergy between us and the Olympic Spirit. Rogge agreed, in between handshake photo ops. "The elite athletes on display annually in Radium is of a high caliber, both on the course and off, and the sportsmanship shown at this tournament exemplifies the spirit that the Olympic movement wishes to create worldwide in this year of the Olympiad...and beyond."

Those statements are not without controversy. Newton tersely dismissed rumored reports of enraged players over the past years tossing golf clubs into trees and water, constant profanity, and team members conversing with staff members who were girls of disrepute as "complete fabrication". More troubling were allegations of the the silver and bronze medals before leaving the resort premises by unappreciative team members, including Loren Brown, captain of TNT, each year for the the past 3 years. When a few recovered roadside medals were presented, Newton blamed "shoddy Indonesian craftsmanship" adding, "they must have fallen off and out of the car windows as Loren and his team were admiring the bronze and silver shimmer in the Sunday afternoon BC sun".

Also in question are some of the elite credentials of the participants, backgrounds which were instrumental in the landing of the IOC sponsorship being awarded to the GNC.

"Listen, Shawn Eltom is a Canadian Navy Seal, no question." Newton continues, "ongoing covert operations mean CSIS regulations restrict me from saying any more, but ask any chick he's dated. Ian Buckingham, yeah, he was in the NHL, didn't you see him this past season? Sure he went by the name Ian White, but again did so covertly, and rightly so, to save his family and the family name the embarrassment of being associated with the Toronto Maple Leafs".

Tony Pozdin and Ray Kureluk have been widely credited with limiting the outbreak of the H1N1 Swine Flu virus from plaguing North America further. Newton: "Hey, Tony and Ray didn't take the scheduled trip to that nude beach in Acapulco, so you can't tell me they didn't stop the flu from spreading back here. I am lucky to have them attending, the WHO wanted to give them a medal for their honor and sacrifice on that June weekend. They're heroes. These insinuations are all bullshit."

Rogge concurred, "We, as the IOC, have dealt with controversy before, and thorough high standards now have to be met with the people we associate with. When I heard about Gerry Imbery's time machine he's created to actually get younger and golf better as years go by, even if the handicap's mysteriously not decreasing, and the miraculous story about Larry Gems giving a foot transplant to the young mute Slovak boy, and god bless Larry, Jamie has told me your foot has grown back nicely, hope you get back next year, I knew this was a group of individuals that were worthy, and thus should be honored with, the prestigious accolades of Olympic sponsorship."

Rogge toured the area and the course with Newton in the past month. "Its the perfect spot for a demanding golf tournament like this, and an ideal location: mountains, trees, sun, dank, bland, condos that make you want to stay in them as little as possible...in the same province as the upcoming Olympics, yet also so near to the fantastic 1988 host city, it just makes a lot of sense" Rogge said, "and the supply of Haagen Dazs bars, Melitia coffee, and experimental Kit Kat bars the GNC provided for our global organization, sealed the deal".

Newton clarified "On our trip, well, hey, first, he won that supply of deliciously exotic Haagen Dazs bars, that now come in 6 scrumptious flavors, legitimately with the KP on 12, I truly thought a 5 iron was the right club, but I guess it was too much...and winning the supply of the richly refined taste of Melita coffee? Well that was with the long drive on 16 after I skulled it into the trees on the right like I do from time to time when I've had one too many Red Bulls. The Kit Kats? That's purely for Nestle market research.

Newton added, "Secondly, JR's a Euro, that stuff is basically free over there anyways."

Newton defends his position and his commitment to the Olympic ideals further, "After a few cocktails, and classing up his experience by giving him the privilege of something other than a twin bed in the basement in that condo on 14, I also assured ol' JR that some of the other sticky subjects which have put the Olympic reputation into the toilet, will not be an issue here. Performance enhancing supplements? One look at the scorecards would say that a) the only doping going on is with the handicaps, although Jacques has promised that there will be official Omega scoring at this years GNC, and b) the myriad of toxic substances being ingested over the weekend by participants certainly aren't performance enhancing.

Gambling is always a hot button issue in any Olympics, but Newton quashed any controversy there too, "I set up JR with the inside line on the handicaps and team breakdowns, and good cut of the Calcutta pot, so he'll be good to go, assuming he bets on TNT."

The big event is June 19-21, 2009. Secondarily, the Winter Olympics run Feb 12-28, 2010.