THE GEMS NEWTON CUP 2006
JUNE 22 - 25, 2006
THE RADIUM RESORT, RADIUM, BRITISH COLUMBIA
Club Z Captain Guarantees Win in 2006
Swift Current, Saskatchewan May 17, 2006 – In a stunning and unprecedented move, Trevor Zeck, Captain of the defending Gems Newton Cup champion Club Z, has guaranteed that his team will win at least one match at the 2006 GNC. This shocking boast marks the first time in GNC history that a guarantee of anything other than drunkenness has been uttered.
“I am not trying to be arrogant, but I think it is completely impossible that over the 5 rounds this team will fail to win a whole point,” Zeck said during his one and only pre-tournament interview.
Sipping his fifth rye and ginger at his summer home in Swift Current, Captain Zeck seemed at ease with the high expectations that come with defending the Cup title, and indeed seemed comfortable with ratcheting them up even higher with his uncharacteristic boast. Not surprising to anyone who has spent time with Zeck, a rambling soliloquy followed:
“Look, this is team that’s ready to compete, and to not get shut out,” said Zeck. “Since our win last year Eltom has moved to the mountains to become more acclimated to the altitude. Rowdy has been so pumped about defending that he has been wearing his Club Z uniforms every weekend at the Black Swan. Taxman is so committed to the team that he proposed marriage to his girl in order to eliminate the stress caused by contemplating his future. Bobby has always been our toughest competitor, and everyone knows that he won’t want to relinquish the MVP mantle. And the offseason addition of Tony ‘Tonhukma’ Pozdin is a real coup – I pity the fool who has to play him in the first round.”
When asked about his own game, and role as captain, Zeck was non-committal and frankly inane: “Me? I’m just the hands on the wheel – the team is the racecar. Did you know racecar is spelled the same way forward and backward? I’m just the soundman, the boys are the band. The camera to their Cindy Crawford. I bring the flamingo, they cut its head off. You know, that sort of stuff.”
The reaction of other GNC participants to Zeck’s comments was mixed.
“F**k him,” said new TNT captain Loren Brown. “I’m bringing a new competitive intensity to TNT, and Club Z may get their ONE win, but it sure as hell won’t be against us. I’ll play him one-on-one anytime. Just because I’m the only captain with a career record under .500 doesn’t mean I can’t, and won’t, kick Z’s ass. As long as I have some tensor bandages for my knee, his ass is grass.”
Speaking from the luxurious Melitta corporate compound high in the Swiss Alps, Team Newton’s Bill Ivany said, “I don’t give this idiot a second’s thought. All I care about is playing Eltom again. He really is a glorious man to be around. Truly glorious.”
For his part, Tournament Director Jamie ‘Juice’ Newton supported Zeck’s claims. “Oh, they’ll win more than one match. I’m sure of it. They’ll likely defend too. Really, the only reason I invested in the champions jackets is I know how good those Club Z boys will look in them. And I chose sizes that fit their team perfectly. They’re going to look really hot in them. I couldn’t be prouder of Club Z. They’re really what this tournament is all about. Hot.”
TNT stalwart Cam ‘UrqBaby’ Urquhart added simply, “my cat’s breath smells like cat food.”
With only 35 preparatory days remaining, Captain Zeck was philosophical. “Everyone knows that any team can win the GNC. All I’m saying is that we are gonna win one match. Or, at the very least, we’ll halve two matches. But you can bank on this: Club Z will win at least one point at the GNC 2006. And that’s for the record.”
With the rhetoric already running hot, the foundation is in place for a wild GNC in 2006. Said tournament founder Paul Newton: “Trevor Zeck is the biggest jackass to ever play in the GNC. If Gems was still playing, bums like Zeck wouldn’t even be allowed in. All I say to Captain Zeck is this: bring it all, or don’t bring it at all. See you in Radium, bitch.”